So, I’m trying to figure this out… As I talk with people these days, it seems as if we are losing hope. I’m not talking about losing hope about one thing or idea, but with, what seems like everything. I don’t know if it’s just me and the people around me are all depressed about their various issues, or if it truly is a problem right now.
Ok, so without question, the economy is for crap, people have been and continue to lose their jobs, our credit cards are doubling and tripling minimum payments on people who barely have the money to make the old minimum payment as it is, our homes have lost a great deal of value 20%-50% depending on where you live, our government talks about the “stimulus package” that is intended to ultimately help “the people” who just seem to continue to get screwed by their banks or employers, people are being forced to take unpaid time off or take significant pay cuts, marriages that should have ended can’t because no one can afford to get divorced, or if you’re in the middle of a divorce both parties are just trying to destroy one another, I can go on and on and on…
I get it that this is an easy time to lose hope. I’ve had my own issues…I moved back to the Chicago area from Seattle in Jan 2002, took a job I thought I would like, got a promotion quickly – then another and was set up to fail. I left that position at the end of 2004 to start my Residential Real Estate business and with much support from my family did ok in getting things going…until the end of 2006 when the market took a downturn. The following year, 2007, wasn’t much better business-wise; and at the end of the year, I had to go back to a corporate job so I could pay the bills. In June of 2007 though, I met the most wonderful man…the man I was sure I would marry…yeah right… After a devastating end to that relationship, I really didn’t know what to do with myself. I got up everyday, breathed in and out and in July of 2008 I took the steps to get pregnant on my own. Since I had a job, insurance, etc., and I was 35-almost 36, I thought I had better get on that. (Tick-Tock and all.) I worked at my corporate job until June 2009 where my job, like that of so many millions of others, was being downsized.
I’m now 36 – almost 37. I don’t have a stable source of income, I’m not pregnant and haven’t even had one positive pregnancy test after 7 IUIs and thousands spent trying, I have bills coming out of my ears from the years I was getting my real estate business going and I can’t seem to get a call back on a single job I’ve applied to. I can say that I’ve learned that I am not a “corporate” girl any longer. The politics just drives me nuts and I’m not good at playing the games. I have this thing called ethics that seems to get in the way and I do expect a lot from my co-workers. I can say I have always respected a great number of the people I have worked with, but those few bad apples just made it unbearable. I also have huge issues with people who have a Napoleon Complex and need to make others feel small in order to make themselves feel BIG.
Right now, I am faced with the fact that severance is up, unemployment doesn’t quite make the mortgage payment, cash on hand is severely limited, I can’t seem to get pregnant – not that this would necessarily be the time to do so – I can’t take care of myself, much less a child, and I’m alone. Now, I have to add the caveat that I have amazing friends and family – without question – but I don’t have that person who loves me for me; my partner to walk though this mess with; someone who hug me close and say, “It’s going to be ok. We’ll get through this.” No, I don’t have this someone.
Being single means one thing, “I” and that’s it. Sometimes “I” don’t know if “I’ll” get through this. Sometimes “I” wonder if “I” will have to go the way of so many others – bankruptcy, foreclosure, whatever. Sometimes “I” wonder if “I” will ever be a mom. I can’t afford IVF, much less adoption. Heck, I can’t afford anything these days. Yeah, being single means exactly one thing – it’s all about ME and it’s ONLY about me.
Am I losing hope? Sometimes I get down about all of this. However, I can’t help but have a feeling inside that says, everything will be OK. I have had many, many, many dreams killed over the past 7 years and I can’t think of one where I achieved it. The thing is, I recognize I have a lot of crap, but that’s really all it is, crap. I have my health, I have my home and I know I won’t lose it (don’t ask me why I know this), my family is healthy and with me everyday, I have fantastic friends who constantly make me laugh, I have food in my belly, etc… I’m a LUCKY girl. I am thankful for all that I have. This is only a moment in time…this is only a moment in time…this is only a moment in time…
I admit I am losing hope when it comes to love. A friend recently said that they are, “A Master at the art of falling in Love.” I get that. I am as well. When I love, I love with my heart and soul, but when I am cast aside, the devastation is debilitating. I don’t know if I can go down that road again. However, if I don’t have love in my life, what a waste…
World, are you losing hope?
Shannon said,
September 27, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Am I losing hope? Hmmm…
I would say that hindsight is a very, very good thing. I lost hope when I quit school. My dream is to become a teacher, and when I realized that I couldn’t afford my condo on a teacher’s salary, I gave up. And I have spent the last 4 years unhappy – miserable, even. It’s because I gave up on not just my dream career, but on hope. Now that I am trying to get back into school, I feel happier than I have in the past 4 years – despite that I still don’t know how I’ll afford my condo, I could end up having to sell it for less than it’s worth, and I have no idea if I’ll even be able to finish school or finish without taking out MORE in student loans. But you know what? The truth is that I’m happy, and excited, and hopeful. I know that this is what I want, and I am going for it. So I think that for me, hope also involves taking a leap of faith. Like you said, it will somehow end up OK.