Sharon's Lost Marbles

Ok, so I’m single and have never been married.  When people meet me, they can never understand why that is.  Somehow, I’m supposed to have that answer.  Nope, haven’t figured it out…yet.  Recent questions about this has me thinking about it a bit more than usual today.

Someone recently asked me if I’m too picky when dating.  Looking back at my past relationships, I’ve dated a “painter” or “artist” (he never liked to call himself an “artist”), a bodyguard, and a salesman.  Now, I’m considering only the men I have fallen in love with and was with for a long time so…  The painter made little to no money, but that didn’t matter as I made enough for both of us.  However, since I made more money than he did, he didn’t want to marry me.  He couldn’t provide the lifestyle he thought I’d want to become accustomed.  The artist married someone else on my next birthday – ouch – that hurt.  The bodyguard was great financially, but totally emotionally unavailable.  We lasted as long as we did only because we forced things.  He married someone else a few months after he broke up with me.  The marriage didn’t last, but we have remained friends.  The salesman is my most recent relationship and without question the most painful.  We love(d) one another so very much.  However, his ex-wife didn’t just cause a few problems, she went above and beyond anything I’ve ever seen in life.  He ended the relationship after she threatened me.  He told me to find someone else that was better and where I wouldn’t have to put up with an “ex” situation such as his.

So, am I picky?  I do date a number of people…whenever I work at it a bit.  However, even in this past year, I meet people and it seems as if they have a ton of drama in their lives.  I’m not afraid of problems, but really, I met someone a few months ago, a widow, we had a great time on our first date, but a few days later, I realize I KNEW his wife.  I grew up with her.  Totally freaked him out.  Understandable I suppose.  It was too bad too because we had a lot of fun together.

Ok, now aside from all of that…  I’m currently interested in a man who is, again, completely unavailable.  I know this.  I’m in an odd place for me right now because I’m dealing with a lot of different issues – career, financial, personal “stuff.”  I’m in the middle of a mid-life crisis.  I’m doing things I never do and I can’t make a decision on anything.  So, this unavailable man is a good friend and has been most of my life.  I love him as a friend, but recently I lust after him too.  We talk all the time and share very intimate thoughts with one another (not sexual so please don’t go there).  The question is, is this infatuation conjured up by loneliness?  What is the difference between love and infatuation?  Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.  I feel like I’m developing a relationship in my head that doesn’t exist.  I’ve done that before.  I mean, we can’t have a relationship other than a friendship so what am I doing?  Why put myself through this?  Is it just that I’m having a mid-life crisis and that’s amplifying everything?

Honestly, I am so tired of being alone.  I’m so tired of having to work so hard at everything.  I’m tired of being the only one in my house.  I’m tired of cooking dinner for 1 – or eating whatever I’ve made for a week.  I’m tired of being the one person who has to pay the mortgage, the utility bills, etc…  I’m tired of having to be so friggin responsible for everything.  I’m tired of my dreams failing – one after another, after another.  I’m tired of doing everything I’m “supposed” to do and not getting squat for it.

What’s wrong with me?  Why am I not married?  I have absolutely no idea.  I figure I must have some kind of craziness about me that makes me undesirable.  I date and date and date and it’s awful anymore.  At one time in my life it was fun, but now it’s not.  It’s work.  Well, and doing it without the right attitude isn’t going to help my cause.