Unfortunately, not much has changed since last fall.  I work very hard at moving my business forward, and I’ve had a fairly decent year as far as that goes.  People are still not running out to buy houses, but much of that has to do with people continuing to lose their jobs.  I have only been called back for one job interview in all this time.  I was excited about it and haven’t received a rejection letter, but it has been longer than a month and the position has yet to be filled.  I figure if they wanted to hire me, they would have.  Gosh I spent a lot of time with them though – probably 8 hours of interview time.  Ah, well…  I just keep telling myself that God has something better for me.

The good thing I’ve done over the past summer is participate in a triathlon program and I had a blast!!!!  I was in the Trek Tri in Pleasant Prairie, WI.  It was a beautiful day and just a fabulous time.  Unfortunately, my calves have been a consistent problem for me…  I was running 3-5 miles/day 3+ days/week.  I was feeling great!!!  I was feeling fabulous!! It was great!!!  However, throughout the summer I would have days where my calves would lock up.  OUCH!!!  I am still swimming and biking, but running is a bit difficult some days.  I’m working through it though!!  I was walking my dogs yesterday afternoon – about 1.5 miles and they started locking up.  Ugh!!  The only thing I can think of is my weight…  So….

Well, I did start something new, yesterday…  I’m currently very overweight.  I’m 5′ 6″, a size 16-18 and at an all time high weight of 234 lbs.  I can’t believe it.  Even with all of my working out this summer, riding my bike 20 miles each session, running, and swimming, I didn’t lose a single pound.  My clothes did fit me better, I did gain muscle mass and lose fat so I did get a bit smaller, but I didn’t lose any weight.  So, I have started a new routine.  I went to Cousins in the city, a raw food restaurant, and started something they call a Live Box.  This is a raw vegan diet so no animal products whatsoever and nothing is cooked at a temperature higher than 105 degrees.  Granted, I’m primarily a vegetarian.  I do go through periods where a burger would be good or a steak or chicken, etc…  BUT I have never tried a raw vegan diet.  So, yesterday was my first day and the food was awesome!!!  Plus, my entire monthly food bill is about the same, if not smaller, that what it was a month ago.  I’ll explain more of what this is about in the coming days.  Yesterday I had a fabulous fruit smoothie for breakfast, a vegan pasta for lunch and a squash ringletts with vegan alfredo for dinner.  Plus there were sides, fruit, a salad to eat and dessert.  Lots and lots of food.  Good portion sizes, yummy!!!

Well, that’s about it for today.  I’ll update things either tonight or tomorrow morning.  I’m going to try and weigh myself each morning – I forgot this morning already – even though I know I’m not supposed to weigh each day, whatever, I’m 37; 38 in 2 weeks, blah, blah, blah.  I’ll do what I want.  LOL!!! 

Have a great day!!!

So, now onto my new chapter…  We’ll see what happens there.  I may still work with the Mega Agent I referred to in my last post.  Things have been dragging on that front – partially her and partially me.  There is a lot to consider regarding my career.  I’ve been contacted by 2 different large companies regarding help with their real estate departments.  I haven’t finalized anything there yet either, but really, that will be the thing that finalizes my decision on the other front.  Whew!!!

I did adopt my new baby girl, Emma – the St. Bernard.  She is adorable!!!  Granted, there has been a lot with that as well.  Emma was 12 months old when she joined my family with Pepper (Keeshond) and Ollie and Gracie (my senior kitties).  I’ve attached a few photos of Pepper and Emma from this fall.  Emma hadn’t seen leaves before so this fall was especially fun for her. 

Well, that’s about it for tonight.  I’m going to do my best to write more often and to continue on my positive streak.  I know our live are what we make and think of them so…  I will always do my best not to get sucked into the vortex of saddness again.  I’m certainly not going to be “looking” for a new guy anytime soon.  I’m not in a position to be in any sort of relationship at this point.  Well, and I’m finding my happiness on my own.  As they say…you gotta love yourself…

Have a great day!!!  And stay warm!!  It’s only in the single digits here tonight - if we’re lucky…  Ahhhh, winter…

I’ve been working quite a bit at my real estate business this week.  I’ve written 3 offers on 3 different houses for one client.  The first was a bust – the sellers are overpriced, but somehow they haven’t seen reality yet.  Really, they’re just in denial.  The second was working with us, but then another house that my client liked, but went under contract, came back on the market so we’re still trying to get it snatched up.  We should have things sewn up tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I’m meeting with someone I used to work with prior to moving to RE/MAX.  She is a MegaAgent big and bad.  She has entirely too much work and needs help.  Well, I need money so we’ll see what happens.  While I don’t really want to work for someone else, I can’t deny the fact that I haven’t been able to get my name out enough to get more of a market share.  Well, in addition to the above, I’ve been working at some of my leads.  I have many, many, leads that I haven’t really followed up on.  Why?  Let’s see…I’ll say because I’m lazy because while that’s not an excuse, it’s a reason.  I can’t really say why I haven’t other than to say I haven’t been able to face the possible rejection I might get from these people.  I mean really, it’s not like anyone can “hurt” me.  However, I haven’t been able to face a lot of stuff lately.  I’ve been feeling like I have failed at a lot of things so I’ve been protecting myself from those things that could possibly hurt me.  The reality for me at this point is, I’m over it.  I’m tough.  I’ll make it through.

Now, a new start with my “family.”  Well, I haven’t yet found my guy.  In 2 weeks, I’ll be 37.  Yeah…  I have spent the last year trying to get pregnant, but that hasn’t worked.  Ugh!!!  Now, I don’t have the money to continue to the fertility treatments so I’m doing what I can to take my mind off of it until I can.  So, I’m going to adopt a St. Bernard and possibly foster others.  I’m a big dog lover and love the fact that I’m helping a doggie or doggies have a warm, safe, loving home.  I have a Keeshond right now and can’t wait to add another dog to my family.  Granted, she’ll be big, but she’ll be loved.

I’m starting over on my hair on Wednesday.  I’m going red again!  I can’t wait!  I had red hair for years, but got bored so I went back to my natural hair color.  Now, I’m bored with that and I’m going back to red.

I am embracing starting things anew.  It’s actually a bit fun!!!  May we all start or do one new thing this week.  We’ll have a great time together!!

I’ve had an extremely tough couple of years with my business. I’m in real estate (residential & commercial). World, did you know that the real estate market has had a bit of a setback? Ummmmm…yeah. Things were getting so bad in 2007 that I had to go back to a corporate job managing the real estate portfolio of a corporation. I’m extremely thankful I had that job for the time that I had it, but in June of this year, they restructured the business and half of us were let go. It’s a sign of the times. I’m still looking for that “guaranteed paycheck” with another corporation, but right now I’m trying to reinvent or renew my residential real estate business.

Looking at that business again has been very refreshing. I originally came back to my residential business in July through most of September doing everything I’ve always done. The thing is, I’ve never been terribly successful at this. I haven’t been working the business the way I should. In working at my corporate job, I’ve forgotten everything I need to do to get things going for another client and another and another and another… I haven’t been doing that at all. I need to do it! I need to get my marketing back in place. I need to get back to being a Realtor. A friend of mine is also a Realtor and she has offered to “coach” me back into the business. She has also had a painfully slow year and I’m going to coach her as well. We’re getting back to accountability.

I have to say, it’s so exciting to get back to basics and get my business set back to rights. Tonight I’m getting my I-Pod loaded with every kind of learning CD I can get my hands on. I have a ton of training and motivational CDs at my house so I’m going to put them back into use. I’m going to be better than ever with my business and 2010 is going to be a fantastic year for me. Well, and 2009 isn’t going to be anything but positive going forward. I’m going to make it happen!!!!

Someone recently asked me if I’m too picky when dating.  Looking back at my past relationships, I’ve dated a “painter” or “artist” (he never liked to call himself an “artist”), a bodyguard, and a salesman.  Now, I’m considering only the men I have fallen in love with and was with for a long time so…  The painter made little to no money, but that didn’t matter as I made enough for both of us.  However, since I made more money than he did, he didn’t want to marry me.  He couldn’t provide the lifestyle he thought I’d want to become accustomed.  The artist married someone else on my next birthday – ouch – that hurt.  The bodyguard was great financially, but totally emotionally unavailable.  We lasted as long as we did only because we forced things.  He married someone else a few months after he broke up with me.  The marriage didn’t last, but we have remained friends.  The salesman is my most recent relationship and without question the most painful.  We love(d) one another so very much.  However, his ex-wife didn’t just cause a few problems, she went above and beyond anything I’ve ever seen in life.  He ended the relationship after she threatened me.  He told me to find someone else that was better and where I wouldn’t have to put up with an “ex” situation such as his.

So, am I picky?  I do date a number of people…whenever I work at it a bit.  However, even in this past year, I meet people and it seems as if they have a ton of drama in their lives.  I’m not afraid of problems, but really, I met someone a few months ago, a widow, we had a great time on our first date, but a few days later, I realize I KNEW his wife.  I grew up with her.  Totally freaked him out.  Understandable I suppose.  It was too bad too because we had a lot of fun together.

Ok, now aside from all of that…  I’m currently interested in a man who is, again, completely unavailable.  I know this.  I’m in an odd place for me right now because I’m dealing with a lot of different issues – career, financial, personal “stuff.”  I’m in the middle of a mid-life crisis.  I’m doing things I never do and I can’t make a decision on anything.  So, this unavailable man is a good friend and has been most of my life.  I love him as a friend, but recently I lust after him too.  We talk all the time and share very intimate thoughts with one another (not sexual so please don’t go there).  The question is, is this infatuation conjured up by loneliness?  What is the difference between love and infatuation?  Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.  I feel like I’m developing a relationship in my head that doesn’t exist.  I’ve done that before.  I mean, we can’t have a relationship other than a friendship so what am I doing?  Why put myself through this?  Is it just that I’m having a mid-life crisis and that’s amplifying everything?

Honestly, I am so tired of being alone.  I’m so tired of having to work so hard at everything.  I’m tired of being the only one in my house.  I’m tired of cooking dinner for 1 – or eating whatever I’ve made for a week.  I’m tired of being the one person who has to pay the mortgage, the utility bills, etc…  I’m tired of having to be so friggin responsible for everything.  I’m tired of my dreams failing – one after another, after another.  I’m tired of doing everything I’m “supposed” to do and not getting squat for it.

What’s wrong with me?  Why am I not married?  I have absolutely no idea.  I figure I must have some kind of craziness about me that makes me undesirable.  I date and date and date and it’s awful anymore.  At one time in my life it was fun, but now it’s not.  It’s work.  Well, and doing it without the right attitude isn’t going to help my cause.

My Mom and I arrived in Minnesota on Friday afternoon along with my dog – the Super P!!! Well, Super P ran in the house right to Grandma when we arrived. He knows who is going to give him roast beef or cheese or whatever treat he could possibly want. She treats him like the great-grand kid she has never had. This is not to say my Grandma isn’t a Great-Grandma. She is. However, my cousin’s wife/ex-wife has taken their kids far away so she doesn’t get to dote on them like she was able to with us.

Sunday is the BEST day!! I am FINALLY going to learn how to make Grandma’s Rye Bread. I can’t wait. We all love eating the bread when we get it; and if we’re lucky, we get it while it’s still warm so the butter melts right into it. SO YUMMY!!! I can’t WAIT!!!

I will always remember the days I’ve been able to spend with Grandma. She’s extra special to me too because I was supposed to be born on her birthday. Unfortunately, I was a bit stubborn back then and took 12 extra hours to be born. I put my mother through heck – without question. I was due on October 2nd, my Mom went into labor on the 13th and I wasn’t born until the 15th. Grandma’s birthday is October 14th. I always spend my birthday (or the weekend before/after) with her. This year she is going to be 89 years old. I can’t believe it. Granted, I can’t believe I’m going to be 37. It’s really depressing. Granted, bringing Super P up to see her makes her laugh and smile and I swear it takes the pain away for a bit and just makes her incredibly happy. I can’t imagine a more wonderful birthday present to me, than to make Grandma happy – even if only for a couple of days.

World, do what you can to make those in your life exceptionally happy! The rewards are incredible!!! So is the Rye Bread!!!

Ok, so my last post was a question of:  Are we losing hope???  Well, I guess I’m not the only one who noticed.  When I went to church on Sunday morning, I was welcomed with a service that started asking these questions (or questions similar to these – I couldn’t write fast enough):

• Are we losing Hope?
• Are we losing Patience?
• Are we losing Our Way?
• Are we losing Control?
• Have we forgotten our Way?
• Have we forgotten how to Stop?
• Have we forgotten how to Love?

I admit all of these questions might not be exact to the sermon.  However, they are similar.  I was so shocked when I walked in and the first question was one that I posted on here just 12 hours earlier, I just couldn’t believe it.  Then I sat in my seat and went WOW!  Sometimes our questions may not be answered, but they are validated in places we least expect it.  Apparently many of us ARE losing hope.

The sermon on Sunday really asked us all to slow down.  Our lives get so busy with SO much STUFF that we don’t take a moment to STOP and look around.  As I said in my last post, a lot of people are going through a lot of “crap.”  So, you add the time the “crap” is taking in our heads to the “stuff” that we have to do everyday; and what is happening to our lives?  We’re full of “crap” and “stuff,” that’s what!!!  We need to take the time to stop and figure out what it is we want – find out what is important to us – take the time to look around and see where we ARE in life.

What does that mean World?  Maybe stop and talk to your kids.  Have a meal with them and ask them what’s going on their lives.  Stop and think about what you want in your life.  Consider taking up a new hobby or making your “bucket list” and then figuring out what you’re going to check off first.

Me???  I did slow down and work on my “stuff” this weekend and then promptly had 2 new clients contact me – WAIT!! – 3 new clients…  I just got another one today!!!!  I agree with others in how amazing it is that when you think it, it will come.  Some may say it’s all coincidence, but I don’t think so.  I have literally taken time out, slowed down, focused and voila!!

World, we all need to stop, slow down, take a look around, smell the roses and figure out which way we are going to turn at this intersection of our lives.  I know I’m sitting in the middle of the intersection, trying to figure out which way to go, but sometime soon, I’ll get up and start moving forward.  Until then though, I’m just stopping to figure out what is most important.

Ok, so without question, the economy is for crap, people have been and continue to lose their jobs, our credit cards are doubling and tripling minimum payments on people who barely have the money to make the old minimum payment as it is, our homes have lost a great deal of value 20%-50% depending on where you live, our government talks about the “stimulus package” that is intended to ultimately help “the people” who just seem to continue to get screwed by their banks or employers, people are being forced to take unpaid time off or take significant pay cuts, marriages that should have ended can’t because no one can afford to get divorced, or if you’re in the middle of a divorce both parties are just trying to destroy one another, I can go on and on and on…

I get it that this is an easy time to lose hope.  I’ve had my own issues…I moved back to the Chicago area from Seattle in Jan 2002, took a job I thought I would like, got a promotion quickly – then another and was set up to fail.  I left that position at the end of 2004 to start my Residential Real Estate business and with much support from my family did ok in getting things going…until the end of 2006 when the market took a downturn.  The following year, 2007, wasn’t much better business-wise; and at the end of the year, I had to go back to a corporate job so I could pay the bills.  In June of 2007 though, I met the most wonderful man…the man I was sure I would marry…yeah right…  After a devastating end to that relationship, I really didn’t know what to do with myself.  I got up everyday, breathed in and out and in July of 2008 I took the steps to get pregnant on my own.  Since I had a job, insurance, etc., and I was 35-almost 36, I thought I had better get on that.  (Tick-Tock and all.)  I worked at my corporate job until June 2009 where my job, like that of so many millions of others, was being downsized.

I’m now 36 – almost 37.  I don’t have a stable source of income, I’m not pregnant and haven’t even had one positive pregnancy test after 7 IUIs and thousands spent trying, I have bills coming out of my ears from the years I was getting my real estate business going and I can’t seem to get a call back on a single job I’ve applied to.  I can say that I’ve learned that I am not a “corporate” girl any longer.  The politics just drives me nuts and I’m not good at playing the games.  I have this thing called ethics that seems to get in the way and I do expect a lot from my co-workers.  I can say I have always respected a great number of the people I have worked with, but those few bad apples just made it unbearable.  I also have huge issues with people who have a Napoleon Complex and need to make others feel small in order to make themselves feel BIG.

Right now, I am faced with the fact that severance is up, unemployment doesn’t quite make the mortgage payment, cash on hand is severely limited, I can’t seem to get pregnant – not that this would necessarily be the time to do so – I can’t take care of myself, much less a child, and I’m alone.  Now, I have to add the caveat that I have amazing friends and family – without question – but I don’t have that person who loves me for me; my partner to walk though this mess with; someone who hug me close and say, “It’s going to be ok.  We’ll get through this.”  No, I don’t have this someone. 

Being single means one thing, “I” and that’s it.  Sometimes “I” don’t know if “I’ll” get through this.  Sometimes “I” wonder if “I” will have to go the way of so many others – bankruptcy, foreclosure, whatever.  Sometimes “I” wonder if “I” will ever be a mom.  I can’t afford IVF, much less adoption.  Heck, I can’t afford anything these days.  Yeah, being single means exactly one thing – it’s all about ME and it’s ONLY about me.

Am I losing hope?  Sometimes I get down about all of this.  However, I can’t help but have a feeling inside that says, everything will be OK.  I have had many, many, many dreams killed over the past 7 years and I can’t think of one where I achieved it.  The thing is, I recognize I have a lot of crap, but that’s really all it is, crap.  I have my health, I have my home and I know I won’t lose it (don’t ask me why I know this), my family is healthy and with me everyday, I have fantastic friends who constantly make me laugh, I have food in my belly, etc…  I’m a LUCKY girl.  I am thankful for all that I have.  This is only a moment in time…this is only a moment in time…this is only a moment in time…

I admit I am losing hope when it comes to love.  A friend recently said that they are, “A Master at the art of falling in Love.”  I get that.  I am as well.  When I love, I love with my heart and soul, but when I am cast aside, the devastation is debilitating.  I don’t know if I can go down that road again.  However, if I don’t have love in my life, what a waste…

World, are you losing hope?

I was in Seattle, on my way to work, very early in the morning that day. I heard about the first plane on the radio and then turned on the news before I left.  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  It was such a tragic “plane accident” as we all initially thought.  I was listening to the radio, on my way to work, when the 2nd tower was hit. I immediately called my mom in Chicago. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. When I arrived at work, I ran to my office as quickly as possible so I wouldn’t miss more than seconds of the radio broadcast. I was the first person in the office. When the 2nd person came in, he asked if I had a radio. I did and had it on. Over the next 2 hours, I had my entire department was sitting around my desk. We were watching the radio like it was a television. As time went on, we all settled in to our desks and tried to work, but really, no one could concentrate.

Somewhere around Noon, we all left our offices and went home. All planes were grounded and I lived in Boeing’s flight path in between Everett, WA and Renton, WA. The silence at home was erie. I lived in a townhouse community and all of the neighbors were outside. We didn’t know what to do with ourselves and we couldn’t hear more about what had happened on the news.  That’s all that was on.  Then, all of a sudden, we hear a bzzzzzzzzzz overhead. I looked up and a little plane was flying above my house. We all looked at each other and I asked if he should have been up there. About 30 seconds later 2 fighter planes were flanked on each side of him. It was crazy.

The entire day was surreal.  We knew it happened, but it was all so unbelievable.  I will always remember those people – who just got up that morning to go to work…  Just like I had done that day.

More tomorrow!!

So, today is 09/09/09…  A very special day on the calendar – so they say.  I can’t say it has been anything so spectacular.  However for the many who got married today, I guess it was special for them.  The news has been reporting this all day.  I’ve been in so many relationships, but they’ve all turned out badly.  I am the woman with the worst timing when it comes to them.  I’m either meeting someone who is just out of a relationship, has a crazy EX, is emotionally unavailable, or is already in a relationship.  Ahhh…such is life.

Ok, so since I’m home all day – everyday this week – I was watching Dr. Phil.  The topic was women who are desperate to have children.  They, of course started out with the Octo-mom, Nadya Suleman, who is so far from the norm I cannot begin.  However, she has done a fantastic job of making me and other women like me look like terrible, irresponsible, unthinking women.  I have spent my entire life wanting to be a mom.  I have planned and planned and planned for it, I have set up everything from my life insurance to my will…  I have had my head shrunk so I know whether or not I’m nuts…  I have, like everything else in my life, done everything “right.”  I have followed the rules – ok I didn’t get married – yet – but really…

So, a year ago, I was getting my fertility tested and lo and behold – I was 35-almost 36 - I didn’t have a “diminished ovarian reserve” but I had so few follicles (follicles release eggs at ovulation).  When I should have 15, I have 3 or 5 or 8.  I’ve been through so much since then.  I have had 7 IUIs, been on so many fertility drugs – shots, pills, more shots, blah, blah, blah…  I have been told that I am having “the perfect cycle” which only gave me false hope that each cycle would work.  I can’t begin to explain the pain when they didn’t.  Just thinking about it now, I can feel the pain in my heart in my chest.  It’s physical – not mental or psychological.  Really, it’s all of it at once.  Sometimes I don’t know how I have continued to function.  I now feel like someone can die of a broken heart.  Honestly, I don’t know how I’ve gotten through some of the negatives.  The 2 week wait can be so odd.  Every little twinge gives you hope.  Every little thing that is slightly out of the ordinary makes you feel like you could be pregnant.  Then my period arrived and I would grieve the death of a baby that never was.  Hindsight is 20/20.  I should have skipped the IUIs and should have moved directly to IVF.

Now, I am on hold for a bit.  No job, no money for an IVF cycle – each cycle, with drugs is approx $12,000-$15,000.  It’s a tough pill to swallow.  The thing is, I’ve already spent the money for an IVF cycle on everything that hasn’t worked .  It’s tough.  Can’t change it though.  There is no sense in dwelling on the past.

Well, I suppose this is what I meant about we’ll see where this takes me.  I didn’t think I’d start out writing about all of this today.  I knew it would come out at some point, but I guess I didn’t think it’d come out so quickly.  Thanks Dr. Phil…I guess.